'Somi, are you busy now?' I shot through the office messenger.
Instantly, a message box popped up on my monitor screen, 'Naw. Getting bored. Why...?'
I hesitated a moment. This is one thing I hate to say to her. But I decided anyway, and began to type in the message box, 'Somi, would you care to come outside with me... alone, if you will?' And clicked 'send'. Already my heart began to beat faster.
Suddenly, there was silence from the other end. I waited for two minutes. Still no reply came. And my heart began to pound heavily and quickly. I started to feel sorry inside... I should not have sent... And as I began to type in the message box, 'I am really very sorry, Somi. I really didn't mean to....' suddenly, a message box popped up on my monitor screen again.
'Yes, this time. No next time please. Never mind.' It's like saying 'the door is opened for you, dear but you cannot enter'. What kind of riddle she was trying to play with me this time, I wondered.
I felt blushed inside for a moment. For a few seconds, several thoughts were flying at the speed of light inside my head. But I had to decide... quickly. I didn't know what to say at that instant; no words came out so easily. But I knew, one word is all that is enough to break a relationship apart.
After a rigorous thoughtful few moments, I took a deep breath and began to type... 'Okay. I'll be waiting for you outside. But please don't get me wrong anyway.'
'NP*. I'll be right there in a few minutes.' She shot back. *[NP= no problem]
It was somewhere in the latter half of 2008. And it was a Full Moon night. On that 'day' we had less or no work. And I got bored just as she was. As I logged off my workstation and proceeded towards the main door, several replays of the past began to replay again and again inside my head.
Just seven months earlier then, we both were total strangers. We never spoke to each other before, though we sometimes looked at each other. I was too shy to start a conversation with her. But I felt inside somehow she could be my good friend someday.
One day, I took the initiative, and instantly she agreed to be my friend. Since then gradually and slowly, we became close friends. We began to share our likes, dislikes, music, movies, and more than anything else, we shared our hearts.
She was a beautiful girl from Mizoram. She was also a quiet, decent and intelligent lady. Only thing, I think, she lacked in her was her height: she was short. But her figure was attractive and alluring. One day, I asked her wryly, 'Somi, have you ever tried modelling anytime?'
'Oh, I never thought of it even in my wildest dreams.' She snapped back... 'But I desired becoming an airhostess.'
'Then what happened?' I asked her.
'I was a little short below what they required.' She smiled shyly.
But still you're so beautiful... ....
*******
As I walked through the main door of the office, another replay of the past was being replayed before my eyes.
It was just a few weeks earlier then. We both were waiting for vehicle for drop after work in the early morning. She looked tense that day. And I felt she wanted to say something to me. I always saw smiles on her beautiful moon-like face, but on that 'day', I never saw her smile. I wanted to ask her why but I couldn't. Something kept me from asking her.
At last, she seemed to gather all her strength and started slowly in a low voice, 'Pangamba, I hope you won't mind...' Suddenly, I began to panic inside. What if she were going to say, 'I am sorry, dear, I've got my boyfriend... and it's not you...' I couldn't even think of it. No boy ever desires to lose a beautiful girl at all cost.
She continued hesitantly, 'I wanted to say to you this at the very beginning but...' But you said you had no boyfriend...?
My head began to spin. My stomach began to churn inside. I got irritated a bit by her utter hesitancy. 'Somi, tell me everything. Please don't keep me wondering. I am all ears to you, dear.' I spoke up with a little annoyance. People who were also waiting for vehicle nearby turned to stare at us. I don't care them now, let them think whatever they want...
She kept quiet a minute, her beautiful eyes looking down.
I kept wondering inside. What if she were going to say, 'Pangamba, I love you...' But this was not the right place where a girl would say those three words from her deepest being. And I knew she wouldn't say that so easily.
And then she started slowly again, looking at me, not at my eyes directly, 'This is one thing I hate to say to you. But I want to let you know this...'
What could this possibly be? When she was in any financial needs or anything, she never hesitated with me. And also whenever I was in need of something I confided her. But why should she feel so hesitant today? She was always frank and straightforward... Or was she trying to play with me by acting like this? But her eyes were telling me she certainly was not playing with me.
'Listen Somi, I won't mind anything you tell me. But please tell me clearly what you want. Please don't keep me with my fingers crossed, dear....'
At last, she spoke with a emotion-filled trembled voice, 'Pangamba, I know how you think about me.' Oh... I also know how you think about me, dear... 'But I am sorry to say this: please don't ever try to fall in love with me.' Girls say this phrase often only to guys they love but don't want to hurt for some reason or the other. At first, I thought it was a joke but she was serious.
'Are you really serious?'
'Yes, I am.' She said firmly fighting her emotions... with her eyes staring down. My God! Suddenly, I felt as if a lightening struck on my head. I felt very sad deep inside. I never thought she would say that Or she could have said it much earlier. I am in love already and now she's telling me, 'don't love me, dear...'
Sometimes boy-girl best friends do fall in love. And it's a painful feeling when you know you're going to lose someone so close to heart. Love does not always bring people together; sometimes it does separate apart.
I kept quiet a few moments. Inside my head were flying several thoughts... she told she had no boyfriend presently... she told she never got engaged with anyone... what else could be the reason? I couldn't think of any possible reason why she changed her mind so suddenly. And I couldn't ask her why.
We were silent a long moment without saying a word each other. Still the vehicle didn't come yet. What the hell has happened to the driver! A tyre puncture again?
At last, she seemed to have read my mind and began to say slowly in a low voice, 'Pangamba, you have a beautiful heart I always care not to hurt. If I ever hurt it, I would be terribly sorry for the rest of my life.'
Oh! Flattering me before saying goodbye, huh? You hurt me anyway, dear.
She continued after a small pause, 'But I don't want to break my mother's heart in any way.' So you had to break my beautiful heart, huh? 'She is all I have, you know. She always desires a Catholic boy for me. And I want to fulfill her desire.' Catholic boy?... Her mother!
Oh! I am going to lose you Miss Beautiful because I am not a Catholic.... 'But Somi, you never told me this before, did you?'
'Pangamba, I am sorry; I was wrong about you... I couldn't resist...' She never completed the sentence. At that moment, I wished the word 'sorry' had never existed at all... ...
*******
I was awakened back to my real world when I saw the beautiful Full Moon high above the sky. It was a Full Moon night. It was supposed to be a romantic night. I was outside the office building now. The Full Moon shone bright and beautiful in the sky. Cold breeze started blowing. And it was a beautiful night.
The office building was a large one. It housed many companies, mostly call centers/BPO/KPO companies. Around it grew trees and had a spacious beautiful garden.
It was around two o'clock in the morning. As I was waiting for her outside, I had a mixed feeling. I was happy that she agreed to come with me outside... alone... on a Full Moon night. But my heart ached inside at the thought of losing her.
While I was staring at the beautiful Full Moon, pondering about the night and about her, I was caught by surprise when her sweet voice came from behind, 'Hi.'
I turned to look at her, 'Hi Somi. You came out so soon.' I had no idea how much time I had spent in my reverie.
'I thought I was already late.' She smiled.
We met several times in the past. But that night was different: we both were alone... and on a Full Moon night. So words didn't come out so easily. I guess she had the same feeling too.
We started walking around the garden. She looked more beautiful that night. Her beautiful moon-like fair face was glowing in the moon light. Her thick silky black hair fell softly on her back so beautifully. From time to time a couple of strands of hair would stand up gently and fall down slowly on her back whenever the night breeze blew. It was a beautiful sight to behold.
While walking around the garden, I broke the silence of the Full Moon night, 'Somi... i dam em?' She taught me in Mizo language, 'how are you?'
'Yamna nungairiye.' [I am doing great!] She laughed heartily in Manipuri. 'Nangdi Kamdourige?' [What about you?]
'Dam e.' [I am also fine] I said with a broad smile in Mizo.
'Oh, you speak Mizo so well now.' She laughed.
'Well, it's only bits and pieces, you know. You taught me, dear.' She smiled shyly without saying anything.
I wondered many times how she spoke Manipuri so well. I wanted to ask her many times in the past but I didn't. 'Somi, how did you learn to speak Manipuri so well despite being from Mizoram?'
She looked up at me apologetically and said, 'Pangamba, I am so sorry. I never told you this before.'
'Don't be, please dear.'
She was silent for a while and said, 'I wanted to keep it as a secret.' And then she broke into laughter. I also laughed with her.
'Oh, really? I thought you shared everything, didn't you, huh?' I said wryly.
She thought a moment and smiled, 'Pangamba, if people don't keep secrets, there would not be such a thing called secret. I hope you do keep secrets too.'
I was stunned. 'Well said, my dear.'
'I learned it from you. You taught me, dear.' She laughed again.
Suddenly, she was hesitant, but continued, 'Actually I was born and brought up in Churchandpur district in Manipur. I studied in a Catholic school in Churchandpur till my fifth standard.' I was surprised instantly. She turned out to be originally from Manipur! I felt more closer to her than ever before.
She stopped a long moment. Suddenly I saw her beautiful eyes begin to wet in tears. O my God!... Why...? I was shocked instantly. Immediately I felt terribly sorry. I stopped and turned to her. And I hesitantly touched on her shoulders softly with my both hands, 'Somi, please... I... I am so sorry. I really didn't mean to hurt you in anyway. I just didn't know it would hurt you this deep. I just wanted to know... but don't tell me anything now if it hurts you so deep.'
'No, it's okay. It's not your fault, dear. I am just a bit emotional.' I kept wondering inside. And she continued after sometime, "You told one day, 'It's hard to hide anything from our memories,' so true. Whenever I try to forget the ghosts of the past, they come haunting at me. And it's very painful."
'I am sorry; I am not getting at you exactly. Is it someone you loved in the past or is it something else?'
'Pangamba, have you ever heard of the communal riot in the mid-90s in Churchandpur?' She asked me without answering my questions.
I searched through all my memory lanes of the past and said, 'Oh! yes, I heard about that. I remember one day, our Hindi teacher who was also from Churchandpur at that time was sharing about that in class. I think I was in Class VII or VIII at that time. What had happened... if you don't mind telling me...?'
We started walking around the garden again. The beautiful Full Moon stared upon us both.
She began to speak after a thoughtful while, 'I was in my fifth standard at that time. The riot occurred right at the place where my family stayed.'
'Oh.' Suddenly, I came to know she was fighting to control tears. What's going on? I was groping in the dark.
'I remember, houses were burned down and ransacked; people were being killed just because they belonged to a particular community.' She stopped a long moment and then continued, 'I was a little girl at that time...' and she began to sob in tears, 'That riot cost my father's life; I lost my father. I loved him so much....' She cried in tears aloud.
O my God! Quickly, I gave her a hug, 'Somi, I am really terribly sorry for your, Dad; I never knew that. Forgive me, dear.' I should not have asked the question in the first place. 'Somi, I never want to see you in tears this way; please don't cry, dear. Again, I am... I am really sorry.' She was overwhelmed in tears. She couldn't say a word.
After a while, I made her sit down on a garden bench. We sat quietly, and I held her close to my heart. She was still fighting tears. I felt very bad myself: I made her cry.
After around 10-15 minutes, she came back to her normal again, and said in a low voice, 'Pangamba, I say sorry; I made you feel sad to night.'
'No, dear. I should apologize to you in the first place; so my apologies, Somi.'
'No, please.'
Then we were silent a few minutes. And she started to speak slowly, 'After that riot, we shifted to Mizoram. But my relatives still stay in Churchandpur to this day. While in Manipur, I learned to speak Manipuri right from my childhood. But now, I have forgotten many Manipuri words.'
'Oh, I see.' I kept my words to the minimum. I didn't want to see her cry again.
'Pangamba, have you ever been to Churchandpur anytime?'
'Yes, of course. But I have been there only twice...' I wanted to say 'many times' but I couldn't lie to her.
'Only twice? That's very bad. You should visit there more sometime. But I know these days, the situation there is not good. So please be careful when you go there.'
'Oh... thanks for some good advice, sweet lady.' We both laughed together.
We were silent for a while. She started to look up at the moon so bright and beautiful. I also looked up at the moon high above the sky. At last, I broke the silence again, 'Somi, how do you feel when you look at the moon to night?'
She felt shy a moment and said slowly in a low voice, 'It's so beautiful.'
'Somi, let me tell you what. You look more beautiful than the moon, dear.'
'Oh! Really? Please don't even compare me with the moon. I am not beautiful.' She said shyly with a little smile on her lips.
'Are you really sure?'
'I said I am not beautiful.'
"Then, how would you feel if I tell you 'you're damned ugly girl'?"
'Oh... Tell me first from your heart, and let me see how I feel.' She started to laugh.
My God! Caught on a wrong footing. 'Anyway, you are so beautiful, dear.'
'Oh, really?' She grinned, and said after a moment, 'Pangamba, let's talk something else or let's go inside.'
'You got bored?
'Not that I get bored.'
'Okay. Let's talk romance then. You may be quite interested in it.'
'Oh, now I see. That's why you called me outside on a full moon... huh?'
'You got me wrong, dear. I won't do anything to you.'
'But anything can happen anytime.'
We were silent for a few moments. And I took a deep breath and asked her, 'Somi, do you love me?'
She looked at me in surprise for a long moment and said jokingly, 'Pangamba, it's a tough question, dear. Please ask an easy question.' And then she broke into laughter.
I thought a moment and said, 'Somi, how much do you love me?'
Suddenly, she kept quiet. I wondered inside.
After sometime, she started to speak slowly with a cracked voice, 'Well, I am in between two fires right now, Pangamba. It's not that I don't love you, dear but it's just that I don't want to break my mother's heart. You know she is all I have. But now I am undecided yet; please help me decide. Pangamba, I am going to do whatever you say now.' She said her heart out.
I looked into her beautiful eyes for a long moment. Suddenly, I realized it was a tough decision I would ever make. She dared to place her life on my hands. Several thoughts were flying at the speed of light again. But I had to decide... quickly. And I knew it was not going to be a joke.
'I understand you, dear,' I started slowly. Now, I knew I could no longer keep her inside the cage of my heart. Finally, I had to set her free. And that time had come. And I knew it was not going to be that easy. But I decided anyway. 'Somi, please don't feel sorry for me in any way.' I continued after a thoughtful moment, 'Even soulmates, sometimes, do not meet at the end. Don't worry for me, dear. I'll be fine; let worry worries itself. And now I want you to fulfill your mother's desire. I know your mother has been through a lot. Now it's your time to make her smile again. Will you, Somi... for me?' I was fighting an overpowering emotion inside.
I saw her beautiful eyes filled with tears again. 'Pangamba...' She cried and she couldn't go any further. And she quickly gave me a tight embrace and cried her heart out. I tried to fight tears but they overcame me at last. I also cried quietly. It's hard to fight tears when they come like a flood.
Love does, sometimes, separate apart...
We both cried. She still sobbed with her face on my heart. And I held her close. I had no idea how much time we had spent outside the office. And I didn't care anything else... except her at that moment.
'Somi, please stop crying, baby. You don't look beautiful in tears. I say sorry; I made you cry a lot to night.'
'No, please dear.'
Suddenly, Bryan Adams' 'Everything I do, I do it for you...' sang from her mobile phone. There is a call... After sometime, she picked up her phone. And she started talking in Mizo language. I knew it was from her friend. And she looked at me and said slowly, 'Pangamba, everyone is leaving for the day.'
I looked at my watch and saw it was four o'clock in the morning. 'Two hours gone so fast!' I whispered quietly inside. I never wanted that night to end but somehow it had to be ended anyway.
'Somi, please don't worry about me. Make your Mom smile this time. That will make me happy too. I'll be fine.'
She nodded, 'Pangamba, I don't know what to say to you.'
'We'll remain good friends.'
She nodded. But before she could say anything, I changed the subject quickly, 'What's your plan for the weekend?'
She looked at me for a long moment and said slowly, 'Saturday, I'll rest whole day; Sunday, I am going to Church with my Mom. What about you?'
'I will rest at home the whole two days. By the way, please include me in your prayers, Somi.'
'Sure, I'll...' Again suddenly, her mobile phone sang again, Bryan Adams' 'Everything I do, I do it for you...' She picked up her phone again. After a while, she said, 'The vehicle is waiting for both of us.'
'Okay. You go ahead, dear. I'll stay back for a while.'
'You often stay back whenever I am in the same vehicle; don't you?' She complained.
'Somi, please don't get me wrong. I have to shut down my PC... and I have some work to do. Have you shut down your PC?
'Yeah, already shut down. What work?... Some secret work?' She smilingly asked.
'Yeah, some secret work.' I laughed. She also laughed after me.
And then she started to wave goodbye and suddenly stopped. She was silent a moment and then she said, "Pangamba, now on I am going to believe in what you said 'Even soulmates, sometimes, do not meet at the end'. And... I am really sorry, dear..."
'Don't be sorry, please Somi. I am all right. Look, now the vehicle is waiting for you.'
And she forced herself a smile and then waved goodbye, 'Take care. Have a nice weekend, dear.' And she hurried towards the vehicle.
'You too. Sweet dream! Sweet lady.' I said aloud from behind. And I stood still looking at her direction. Somi, you will never know how much I love you, dear. It's just that I don't want to see you cry. I know you love your mother so much. And from now on, I will be no more a fire to you. Now you are free. Like a wind.
And she was gone.
When she left, I felt empty inside, again. I felt as if a part of me had left me. And I stood still inside the garden; I felt alone. And I looked up. I saw the moon still shining beautifully high above the sky. And I whispered slowly into the air, 'You are so beautiful, dear. I am going to miss you. A lifetime.'
Notes: Names changed and some facts ommitted in this hear-breaking story.
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